You Are More Than Your Biggest Issue

It is not about when you share it is about how you share!

We all have things that are wonderful about our lives. Things we are excited to share with our new date. We also have the things that might be perceived as a challenge. These are the things that we fear our date might reject!

Many people have asked me how and when to share these things…When to share about their physical health issues, mental health issues, challenging child, recovery, unstable ex, financial issues, medication, past drama, etc…My answer is always the same! It is not when but how you share it. I can demonstrate this best by sharing one of my potentially perceived challenges. The illness is real. The actual date scenarios are just examples of how I might handle it. But as many of you know I am married and did not discover this health issue until many years into my marriage.

Please read both scenarios and tell me if you feel and sense a difference.

Scenario A: First Date…

I have an autoimmune disease. It’s called Hashimotos and I have had some horrible days. I can’t eat wheat, dairy, soy or any processed foods. I am restricted as to what restaurants I can go to and it is super annoying. I can’t be around toxic smells without getting a huge headache and migraines. I spent ten years struggling to stay awake before I was diagnosed. It really can be hell!

Scenario B: First date-coffee (which I can drink)! Second date-Thai food (which I can eat). Third date I make an amazing meal (gluten, dairy and soy free).

Let’s imagine that my new date says “wow this meal is delicious but would be great with some French bread!” I begin to say something like this…”I can’t eat wheat so I often don’t think about bread.” Naturally he asks me why. And I would tell him this… “I discovered I had an autoimmune disease a couple of years ago. As a result, I learned to cook many amazing meals like this. There are things I need to avoid but I don’t miss them because I feel so healthy without that food. Next time I will grab a French bread for you. I won’t be tempted because I can enjoy all this other food.”

Do you see the difference? In the first scenario I sound like a victim! Oh, poor me!! In the second scenario the conversation came up naturally. I didn’t deliver it as if it was a burden. I showed him that I am truly comfortable with my life. And I waited a few dates so he could see for himself all the other great things about me.

Don’t pollute your first date with the things you fear will cause you to be rejected! Once someone discovers that you embrace mothering you autistic son, manage a medical issue, forgave a mentally ill family member, stood up to a controlling ex or learned to manage a struggle in your life it will show them how strong you really are. Sure, there may be times when your date still decides it won’t work for them and that is okay. But allow them to get to know you first! You are way more than your biggest issue! Let your best parts shine and you will be surprised how the right person will open their heart to accepting the whole package!

Comment: 1

  • Jane Emrick
    June 26, 2019 9:54 am

    Good advice. Some things don’t have to be said on a first date. You don’t have to know everything about someone else, to get a good first impression and decide you’d like to see them again. Also, it helps to remember that life is messy. Everyone has their messy parts, and it’s much easier to accept that with someone whom you’ve taken some time to get to know.

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