Why We Stay in Miserable Relationships!
I was sitting in the sauna at LA fitness today when a woman asked me if I was the Date Doctor on 96.5 TIC. I told her I was and proceeded to hear about her friend’s marriage. Her friend is clearly miserable, knows the passion has died but can’t walk away. She asked me point blank why her friend stays.
People stay in wrong relationships all the time! Why? These are the most common reasons why they stay. Feel free to add your experiences in the comments.
- She is afraid to be alone. Some women will express complete dread at the thought of starting over. My advice is to tell that friend to stop imaging being alone and start imaging having sex with some hot new boyfriend for the first time. Imagine kissing someone that you can’t keep your hands off. Imagine hearing the garage door open and not cringing because your spouse is home.
- They are financially afraid of the consequences. I remember feeling this way myself. After my first marriage ended I sold my nice house in a great neighborhood and bought a condo. It was lonely, no kids around and I felt isolated. I was working full time, picked up a part time job teaching arts and crafts to kids (so my son could come with me) and worked part time scheduling appointments for a friend of mine after my son went to bed. It was tough but I was so proud of myself. Two years later I bought a better house in nicer neighborhood. Shortly after that I got married and started my dating business. Those two years were difficult. I bought our clothes at tag sales, visited the library all the time and worked harder than ever. I look back on those days with pride. My son watched me pull it all together. Sure the financial fear is real but nothing compares to spending the rest of your life with the wrong person.
- They feel guilty. There are women that stay in a miserable relationship because for some reason they don’t believe they deserve to put their happiness first. These women usually confess early on that they contributed to the failing relationship. Of course they did, I already knew that. My best advice to these ladies is to be okay with having contributed to a failed relationship. Look in the mirror and chant “I am partially responsible for this relationship failing and I am okay with that” and “I deserve to be happy and am going to put my happiness first”.
- They are worried because their partner is a good person and doesn’t deserve to be hurt. This one makes me laugh. Do you honestly think it is better to stay with someone that you are not in love with? Trust me your partner is being robbed of having a lover that desires and adores them. You are not sparing them anything by hanging on in fact you are doing them a disservice.
- They are worried about the kids. I am the mother of a child with divorced parents. I know it wasn’t the easiest thing for him. Especially in his younger years. I firmly believe that it is much more harmful for a child to witness their parents in a loveless or hostile relationship. My son turned out to be an amazing kid with a heart of gold. Do I think his life would have been easier if his father and I stayed together? Absolutely not! Not in my situation!
Everyone deserves to be happy in life. If you have exhausted your efforts to salvage your relationship and you know deep in your heart that it is over please take care of yourself. I lived through this and am on the other side. I hope those who are suffering will join me. And I will tell you that every woman I helped through a break up has always said “why didn’t I do this sooner?”