What Do You Lead With?
Think about your last first date. Try to remember the initial conversations that the two of you had that evening. Was it about you and your kids or was it about your date and his career? Perhaps it quickly went to a sexually flirtatious conversation. Whatever it was there is likely a pattern. Dig a little further back and think about what you have led with on other dates. And if you have a history of bad or disappointing first dates it might be time to take a look at what you lead with. Here are some typical examples of what singles might lead with on a first date and what this really says about you.
- You kids-When you are a single parent and dating it is tricky. But if you start the dating chatter with stories about your kids you are sending a fast message. Likely you feel some guilt about being out on a date and you want to relieve that guilt by bringing them along in your mind. If this is not the case it may be that you don’t have a strong enough sense of self to share. You may be a little lost in your kid’s life. I understand your kids have interesting stories but these are likely more interesting to share with a grandparent and not a first date.
- Sex-I can tell you this is the biggest issue with the women I work with. They truly believe that to entice a new guy they should show them how sexual they are. A male client of mine said it best, “there is something so sexy about self-respect.” Sure there are some men who will convince you that there is nothing wrong with sex on the first date. Ladies, I think these are the ones you want to repel. It is important to show your date that there is so much more to fall in love with beyond how sexy you are. Sex too soon will typically put you in the “fun” category. If that is what you are looking for then go for it.
- Your ex-Men are guilty of this. I understand that some men don’t have the easiest time sharing their feelings with buddies over a poker game. Therefore they meet a new lady that seems easy to talk to and the ex-wife, crazy, alimony, blah blah, blah just comes pouring out. It is plain and simple… this screams that you are not ready to date. I understand the issues exist and they are real. But please find someone else to unload this drama to. Spare your date the agony and focus on something more fun.
- Negativity about past dating-This hits men and women equally. Sharing about all the men that didn’t call or lied to you tells your date that something might be wrong with you. Perhaps it was simply that you attracted the wrong people but it puts up a red flag.
- Emotion-I had a client who used to cry on the first date. The guys would typically ask where she grew up and she would be reminded of her father who died 10 years earlier. Sure if might be sad to remember that but a first date is not the place for this. If you try too hard to have a deep emotional connection too soon it will lead to disaster.
The best thing to do is be in the moment. Talk about things in the present. I understand you want to know some basic information so you can start filling out that deal breaker list in your head but you will get there in time. Every single person I have worked with just wants to find someone they have a connection with. They want to be with someone who is happy, has some positive energy and can make them laugh. Be present in the moment and enjoy every second on connecting with your new date.
I realize that in time your date will discover your less attractive parts. But those things are easier to accept once your date really likes you. Lead with the best parts. The happy, fun and interesting things about you will be far more attractive than the negative drama.