It Could Be All Your Fault

Most people get ayoung-girl-cryingngry when I suggest that it might be their fault that their last relationship ended. I understand completely. It is so much easier to blame someone else. But I am not the person that is going to coddle you or sit around and bash your ex lover. My sister recently attacked me when I tried to help her see the things that she did that may have damaged her last relationship. She actually said “you would never tell a client it was their fault!” I corrected her and said, “actually that is exactly what I do.” If you are ready to face the truth keep reading.

We often create exactly what we fear! This may sound a bit confusing but follow these examples. My neighbor Tommy is a 13 year old boy. He fears kids won’t like him so he is always trying to brag and one up everyone. He thinks this will make him look cool. He creates his biggest fear instead. The kids find him annoying and push him away. My friend Jen tries to eat a light lunch because she is afraid to gain weight. She will often save half her lunch for dinner. But by 3:00 she hasn’t eaten enough to feel full. She grabs a candy bar and a bag of chips to fill the void. Jen keeps putting on those extra pounds. Lori is so afraid her husband might leave her one day that she constantly accuses him of cheating and looking at other women. Lori’s husband left because of her nagging and insecurities. He had never wanted to cheat and never actually did. But he did give up on the relationship and her biggest fear was now a reality.

These are all examples of how we create our biggest fears. Whether we fear having no friends, gaining weight or being rejected we often create it by doing exactly what we think will prevent it from happening.

Let’s dig a little deeper into how we do this when dating. Many women fear that if they bring up wanting a commitment the guy will get scared away. So what actually happens is they either prolong a relationship with a man that has no intentions of committing or they send a message that they don’t want or believe they deserve a commitment. In the end not making it clear that they want a commitment is what sends the guy running. A guy is afraid to ask a girl on a date because he fears being rejected. So he calls the girl and shyly says “I know you are probably busy but would you have anytime this weekend to get together for a drink, coffee or lunch?” The girl is turned off simply because he didn’t have enough confidence to ask her out directly. The insecure approach is what actually led her to decline.  A woman stays in a loveless marriage because she is afraid of being alone. Yet she has never felt more lonely in her life. She is living and drowning in her biggest fear by actually staying. Imagine if she could get out and find someone that could love her, she would never be lonely again. A guy or girl attends a speed dating event and is so fearful that no one is going to pick them. Their energy is very unwelcoming. Someone may have been considering picking them but not after they have discovered how negative the person was during the five minute date. Their biggest fear came true.

Think as deep as you can about your biggest fears and the things you may actually do to create them. If your biggest fears often come true ask yourself what you can do differently. Imagine responding in a way that is the polar opposite of how you typically respond. Don’t be afraid to admit whatever it is that you are doing wrong. It is the magic answer to being the best that you can be!

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