Oct
3

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I was diagnosed in May 2016 and I won’t bore you with my levels because honestly I don’t understand it myself. But 4 months on endless supplements and a crazy diet I am far from healed. I will keep up with what my doctor suggests but I am taking matters into my own hands.

Here is what I think…
I have created this illness. My constant stressful thoughts have to contribute to my health. I NEVER shut my brain down. When I take a yoga class I spend the entire time thinking of what I will do next and have been known to walk out before the final resting practice. When my husband encourages me to meditate I pretend and watch him in shock as he looks so grounded. When I go to a movie which is rare I almost never follow the movie. I have great difficulty reading an entire book although I have a good one going now. I worry about things that never happen. I go from cleaning my house, to working, to kid stuff and errands. I have a few little hobbies but even while I am engaged my mind is elsewhere.

If you met me you would think I was the happiest person in the world. I have 2 amazing kids, a husband I still adore after 15 years, a gorgeous home, a best friend for 30 years, a dog who owns my heart and my dream career. I often pinch myself to be sure that this life is really mine. It wasn’t always this easy but I will spare you the walk through my child and first abusive marriage. The point is I have everything I could want today except of course my health.

I have to believe there is a connection going on here and I am determined to at least find out. I started my day today with a meditation that I created. Something the I could envision that helped me to have beautiful thoughts. I spent about 20 minutes doing this. After the kids left for school. I shut down my computer and my phone. I read 2 chapters or my book which I started in June. I was completely focused on every word (The Girls from Ames). I thought about my worries for a few minutes while I folded laundry. Just basic things like kids or a big bill that is lurking. After I told myself I have thought about that worry enough and I trust that I am doing the best I can with it and I have put it to rest for now. When that worry creeps up I just thank it for reminding me and put it away.

I am going to give myself permission to shut my brain down and do things for myself. I used to believe that I wasn’t valuable unless I was cleaning the house, working or doing something for someone else. I tried endlessly to be the best mother possible. And in the end I created the opposite. I have become an exhausted, brain foggy and unhealthy mom. With my diet and supplements I have improved and I do have some good days. But I still have so many bad ones. I have to share my analogy…

Years ago I had insomnia. Although I am not a fan of medication I tried many. But my brain was so stubborn that it fought any sleeping pill on the market and I stayed awake. Regardless of my diet and supplements my brains is fighting against it. At least that is what I believe today.

I am sharing this blog for 2 reasons. 1. I want to hold myself accountable and 2. perhaps my story resonates with someone else.

Now I am going to shut down my computer and my phone and make some lunch. I am also going to turn on the TV and watch my favorite crime show while I eat lunch. If a client needs to reach me they can leave a message, if 1 of the kids needs something they can call my husband. I need to take care of myself!

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