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My 13 year old son just shared a story with me about a time he went to ask a girl out at school. We will call her Annie. Matt recalled wearing his favorite T-Shirt and basketball sneakers and remembers taking extra time to look his best that morning. He arrived to school with all the anticipation of seeing Annie and asking her out. Annie chose a thick, bright pink belt to wear on this day (she apparently knew he was going to ask her out). Matthew thought the belt was awful and I quote him as saying “I was thinking ewwwww, I am not going out with a girl that wears that.” I found the story humorous and appreciated that he shared so much with me. I wondered if Annie was thinking the belt was the deal breaker. Perhaps she regretted it the whole day. I think I have been in Annie’s shoes or belts a few times.

For an eighth grader this is not unusual. It is not as if they are trying to find a partner with a good education, financial security, potential to be a good parent, etc… Their priorities are a little different.

If you are like my 13 year old son and would dump a date based on a belt you are too picky! But if you are just looking for someone that you find attractive, someone who you connect with and someone who respects you than you are not too picky. Attraction is not something we can snap our fingers and change. Either you feel it or you don’t. Sacrificing that will leave you with great regret one day. But attraction isn’t enough. You need respect and the minute you accept anything less than that the relationship will take a downward spiral forever. If you can find someone that you are attracted to and who respects you there is no need to worry about their style of jeans, thickness of the belt or brand of sneakers. Those things can easily be changed or at least taken off.

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People stay in wrong relationships all the time! Why? These are the most common reasons why they stay. Feel free to add your experiences in the comments.

1. She is afraid to be alone. Some women will express complete dread at the thought of starting over. My advice is to tell that friend to stop imaging being alone and start imaging having sex with some hot new boyfriend for the first time. Imagine kissing someone that you can’t keep your hands off. Imagine hearing the garage door open and not cringing because your spouse is home.
2. They are financially afraid of the consequences. I remember feeling this way myself. After my first marriage ended I sold my nice house in a great neighborhood and bought a condo. It was lonely, no kids around and I felt isolated. I was working full time, picked up a part time job teaching arts and crafts to kids (so my son could come with me) and worked part time scheduling appointments for a friend of mine after my son went to bed. It was tough but I was so proud of myself. Two years later I bought a better house in nicer neighborhood. Shortly after that I got married and started my dating business. Those two years were difficult. I bought our clothes at tag sales, visited the library all the time and worked harder than ever. I look back on those days with pride. My son watched me pull it all together. Sure the financial fear is real but nothing compares to spending the rest of your life with the wrong person.
3. They feel guilty. There are women that stay in a miserable relationship because for some reason they don’t believe they deserve to put their happiness first. These women usually confess early on that they contributed to the failing relationship. Of course they did, I already knew that. My best advice to these ladies is to be okay with having contributed to a failed relationship. Look in the mirror and chant “I am partially responsible for this relationship failing and I am okay with that” and “I deserve to be happy and am going to put my happiness first”.
4. They are worried because their partner is a good person and doesn’t deserve to be hurt. This one makes me laugh. Do you honestly think it is better to stay with someone that you are not in love with? Trust me your partner is being robbed of having a lover that desires and adores them. You are not sparing them anything by hanging on in fact you are doing them a disservice.
5. They are worried about the kids. I am the mother of a child with divorced parents. I know it wasn’t the easiest thing for him. Especially in his younger years. I firmly believe that it is much more harmful for a child to witness their parents in a loveless or hostile relationship. My son turned out to be an amazing kid with a heart of gold. Do I think his life would have been easier if his father and I stayed together? Absolutely not! Not in my situation!

Everyone deserves to be happy in life. If you have exhausted your efforts to salvage your relationship and you know deep in your heart that it is over please take care of yourself. I lived through this and am on the other side. I hope those who are suffering will join me. And I will tell you that every woman I helped through a break up has always said “why didn’t I do this sooner?”

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