Quickest Ways to Ruin the Dinner Date!

Nov 26, 2011

The majority of early dates take place in a restaurant. And despite my constant advice about first dates being quick ice cream or coffee dates, many of you still choose that restaurant! I understand you are hopeful that there will be a connection and you want more time together. So go ahead pick your favorite restaurant and best of luck! Oh and remember if you don’t like your date and want to avoid telling them outright, just do one of the things on the list below and I can guarantee you they will never want to see you again either!

Here is my list! Feel free to add yours in the comments!

Top 10 things to turn your date off in a restaurant! 

1. Guys take the initiative on the first date to pick the restaurant! You can ask what food we prefer but don’t show up and say “where do you want to go?” Quite simply we will just want to go back home.
2. When you get to the restaurant please walk up to the hostess to request a table for two. And to the ladies that claim to be such strong independent women…just sit back and let him handle getting the table. You don’t want to come across too independent as it is a turn off. I don’t make the rules but it is what it is!
3. Taking your gum out of your mouth and setting it on your dinner plate is disgusting. And then putting it back in at the end of the meal makes it even worse! Totally unacceptable! Seriously this happened to me.
4. If you are going to a nice restaurant know the appropriate etiquette! I went on a date with a match.com guy and we ordered a bottle of wine. The waitress was showing him the label and he didn’t have a clue. He pulled the bottle from her hand and poured it himself. Very embarrassing for all of us.
5. Guys let your date order first. I once went on a date and the guy was so eager to get his order in that he didn’t even realize the waiter was completely looking at me and ready to take my order first when he cut in.
6. Don’t bring flowers to the restaurant. Yes we love to get flowers but it is simply embarrassing to have a big floral arrangement on the table. Especially if the table is small and it becomes a hazard to see one another.
7. Sometimes your meal gets screwed up but please don’t blame the waitress or waiter. Just relax and know that your food will come. Any unnecessary drama or rudeness will just turn your date off completely.
8. Name droppers are annoying. If you know the chef or the owner of the restaurant that is fine. But if you feel this burning desire to tell the waitress that you know them than go ahead. But just know that we aren’t impressed and kind of think you just might be trying to show off.
9. There is absolutely no reason to check your phone, text or respond to emails during the 60 minutes you are dining. Shut the thing off!  I know some of you have kids but I trust that if you are out on a date you have left your kids in good hands! And if an emergency should happen I think they will call 911 first! If you are that panicked about it then make a trip to the bathroom. You can check your phone at that time.
10. Again I don’t make the rules here but if you don’t offer to pay for that first dinner date then I can guarantee you she is getting the message loud and clear that you are not interested. This is why I strongly suggest making the first date a quick coffee or ice cream date. You can avoid dropping $60 on a girl that is not interested in anything more than a meal. After that first quick date you will know if the chemistry is there. And if she is worth it…take her to dinner and offer to pay!

Which is Better for you…Speed or Internet Dating?

Nov 19, 2011

Speed Dating Versus Internet Dating

It is a great time to be single! I know those of you who feel like you have been single forever just want to scream at me right now. But what I am saying is that there are so many terrific ways to meet singles these days. You no longer have to rely on your parents to find you a match, hang out at crowded bars or experience painful blind dates.

Two very popular ways to find that special person are internet dating and speed dating. I am often asked, “which one is better?” They are both terrific ways to meet people! In fact, I met my husband on match.com 10 years ago! Today 1 out of every 5 couples meet online and that number is only going to get bigger.

If you are one of the many people trying to decide which one will work best for you, I can help you! My quick response is to do both. If you are truly committed to finding love then you should be in as many places as possible to do just that.

Here is the difference in a nutshell!

Internet Dating-Here is where you can find the answers to that whole big deal breaker list that you have in your head. You know those important questions like, does he want kids, does she smoke, what does he do for work and does she have a pulse. You have the luxury of looking at a few photographs too. Hopefully these include recent candid shots of the person you are about to date. On occasion for some ridiculous reason they will include pictures of their car, dog, boat, sunset, etc… What you don’t get to find out is that initial and instant chemistry! We all know how great that instant chemistry feels and can assess it in just seconds of meeting someone in person.

Speed Dating-The great thing about speed dating is that you can assess that chemistry instantly without wasting time emailing back and forth. Sure those deal breakers are important but if that initial chemistry is lacking then it doesn’t matter if they comply or not with your deal breaker check list. I encourage my speed daters to avoid those deal breaker questions in that five minute speed date. Just use that time to see if you have a mutual connection. And if so, you just check yes next to their name on the match card.  If the desire is mutual you will each get an email with the contact information of your match and the interrogation can start at that point.

One last tip! If you are a negative person that is always convincing yourself that you will never find true love then you will create just that. Think positive about finding that special someone and I can guarantee you that your chances of finding them will increase tremendously. Now stop reading these blogs and go join match.com or register for a speed dating event at www.got5minutes.com.

Love Does Not Hurt! Especially Not Like This!

Nov 5, 2011

A dear friend of mine experienced a horrific tragedy this week. Her lovely 22 year old daughter was brutally stabbed and murdered by an ex-boyfriend. Someone who allegedly loved her over the past 8 years, yet took her life in a rage of anger. They were two kids that began a relationship when they were about 14 and 17 years of age.

I don’t have all of the answers and still can’t wrap my mind around how this comes to be. But I have my thoughts on this subject. Not that these ideas could have solved or prevented this but I think they are worth listening to.

I personally have two beautiful boys. One is 12 years old and the other just four. How cute is it that they both have crushes on a girl with the same name? It is really not that cute at all. I have heard people ask my youngest “do you have a girlfriend?” Now I know they are just being silly with my little boy but I really think it all starts here.

As parents and adults we need to stop putting so much emphasis on our children dating and having crushes. We are encouraging their young hearts to get attached when they aren’t mature enough to handle the emotions. I have some young facebook friends (middle and high school kids) and I see their statuses change from single to in a relationship in just hours. They post messages on each other’s wall saying things like “I love you” and song lyrics that they don’t even understand. “Tell me that I’m special even when I know I’m not” were some recent lyrics I saw on a facebook wall. This is from a song by The Plain White T’s that sends a chill through my spine. They feel they are so special and important because they are in some form of a relationship. And then one day it ends and these kids are dealing with emotions of rejection that their immature minds can’t manage.

Let’s stop asking our kids about their crushes and start asking about sports, hobbies, friends and school. Let’s stop encouraging them to fall in love when they are too young. Because when that loves goes away they will lack the ability to cope. Encourage them to find hobbies and interests that make them feel special. And down the road when they are more mature to fall in love they will be able to handle the rejection because they will continue to have other wonderful things in their lives.

Another thought on this subject…Our children need to learn how to lose and experience the pain that goes along with it. I remember watching my son play baseball for many years. There were kids that got up to bat and simply never swung the bat. Odds are they would get a bad pitch and the parents would yell “good eye, good eye”. This is not true. The kid didn’t not have a good eye, he never ever swings the bat. Why is it so painful to tell our children the truth and let them experience the pain that comes with life? Tell him he doesn’t practice enough and he is letting the team down. Let them feel defeat and learn how to react and manage it. Otherwise we protect them for so long and one day they lose their girlfriend and they can’t handle the pain. They never learned the coping skills to get through heart ache or rejection.

These are not meant to be excuses for what happened in any way. There is no excuse for such a thing. I am just trying to understand how this could possibly happen! And maybe begin to prevent this from happening again.

My last message is to anyone in a relationship that claims they are in love. According to dictionary.com love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. If this is not how it feels you are not in love! When someone calls you a slut, bitch, bastard they are not expressing love. When someone hurts you physically or emotionally they are not loving you. It is not cute and endearing to be jealous, it is in fact a serious red flag. I cringe when I see these young folks post things on their facebook walls like “love hurts” or “I will never give up on us”. Love by definition does not hurt! If it is not tender and passionate don’t call it love. If it is dangerous and scary get help! There is a new and free iphone app called td411. It is for teens and primarily addresses dating violence. It is free and can be hidden. Also the hotline number for CT is 888-774-2900.

Love is how Teresa and Jose feel about their beautiful daughter Suzete. Love is how Danny feels about his sister that was taken from him way too soon. Love is affectionate and not painful. Please stop accepting anything less in your relationships. Let’s learn from this horrific experience and do our best to stop it from ever happening again. Take care of yourselves, your friends and your children. And for now I will take care of my dear friend Teresa!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Oct 29, 2011

Do you know anyone in one of those ambivalent relationships? You know the type that is always questioning whether or not they should stay or go. You would imagine that they get so exhausted trying to make a decision and really you and everyone that loves them knows exactly what they should do!

Here is a little activity that might help you or “your friend” make that tough decision.

Take a moment to imagine spending the rest of your life with this person as is. Imagine every holiday, and vacation includes this person with the traits that you find undesirable. Depending on where you are in life imagine this person co-parenting children and engaging in school events. Think about what you are feeling. Does dread come to mind? Are you thinking oh please this would be hell? Or are you thinking that it would be perfect and it makes you very happy? Be honest with yourself!

After a few minutes of this activity it is time to replace these thoughts with imagining what it would be like to never be with this person again. You can still have all of the wonderful things in your life but deduct the annoying qualities that this person adds. Perhaps you are disrespected, ignored, lied to. Whatever it is that keeps you going back and forth are the things you need to imagine living without. Do you feel relief, like a weight was taken off of your shoulders? I understand fear might initially accompany the image but be sure you know what that fear is. Is it losing this person or simply get through the whole break up process?

People stay in unhappy relationships all of the time and usually for all the wrong reasons. It can be scary to imagine being alone. Many are afraid no one else will ever love them. But if you are able to get this one person to be with you why convince yourself that you couldn’t find another. Perhaps you could find someone who lacks the qualities that continually disappoint you.

The truth is that you will never know until you face your fears of being alone and begin to accept things in your life that make you happy. When you are in a healthy relationship you never question whether or not they are the one. You are not repeating the “should I stay or should I go” question in your head over and over again. Sure you might argue from time to time and think for short intervals that you can’t stand the person. That is normal. But it is really time to take a look at your relationship when you are feeling this way even when you are not arguing.

I speak from experience. Many have read my book Crush, http://www.amazon.com/Crush-Lessons-learned-through-lifetime/dp/1463586345/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319906384&sr=1-1. I stayed in multiple relationships because of so many fears. Some I eventually walked away from and others left me feeling rejected. I am one of the fortunate ones that was able to find that guy that only annoys me when we are arguing. If you have not found it then don’t miss an opportunity. I understand it is hard to pick up and walk away. But please just start by admitting that your plan is to go. As I always say “never settle”.

How Can Making Dinner Be So Wrong?

Oct 27, 2011

So every once in a while (and I mean once in a while) Erik has this brilliant idea to make dinner. He opens up a recipe book, goes to the grocery store and creates an amazing meal for the family. Now rationally I know that I am very lucky to have a husband that helps out like this and takes the burden off of me once in a while.

But for some reason it never plays out quite like this. I begin getting defensive. I feel as if he is trying to say that I am not a good enough wife and should have already made such a delicious meal. I do cook but it is rare that I pull open a recipe book like he does. I am great with Mexican night, throwing some burgers on the grill and easy chicken and rice dishes. My meals are edible and no one ever complains.

But what the heck is wrong with me that these feelings of anger and inadequacy consume me when Erik takes over the kitchen. He never makes comments offending me and genuinely wants to enjoy this little hobby from time to time. He also happens to make some of the best food we have ever eaten!

Well it was time to dig a little deeper and figure out what was happening.  You see so often couples end up in ridiculous fights with endless drama. They forget why they are even mad and don’t understand what triggered them to begin with.

I could have pretended he was trying to offend me and let my own issues carry out one of those unhealthy and miserable disagreements. But I have figured it all out. I have some ridiculous belief that stems way back to my childhood about not being good enough. I don’t blame anyone for instilling this belief in me as we are all victims of our own upbringing. But regardless this message has stayed with me my entire life. In some ways it has served me well as it pushed me to grow my business, write a book and raise an amazing family. But in others ways it has led to conflict.  Like when Erik wants to prepare an evening meal.

It is never too late to change the beliefs that we hold onto. From now on when Erik begins to bang those pots and pans I just need to remind myself that I am good enough! It may take lots of reminders in the beginning but I think I have this one under control.

So next time you end up in an argument with someone you are in a relationship with you just need to check in with yourself. Do any of the emotions you are feeling come from a negative belief that was instilled in you as a child? This might be an excellent opportunity to learn a little more about yourself and grow from the experience.

Now don’t get me wrong, Erik isn’t always right! But being able to admit when you are wrong can really do wonders for your relationship! So Erik… I was wrong and please could you make dinner tonight, I really don’t feeling like eating Mexican again!