Women who are in happier relationships require a lot less. You see these women get love and affection on a daily basis. They feel special most of the time and although walking in the door to some beautiful flowers on the kitchen table would brighten their day, there are no demands from this girl. There is no nagging and no deeper wounds to be covered up. In fact she is the type of woman that has no problem buying her own flowers if she so desires.

Newly dating couples have a whole different story. Let’s face it if you start dating someone in December it can be a little tricky. You have to get through the winter holidays and before you know it Valentines Day is here! Most men agree they don’t want anything! But making them a nice meal, wearing a sexy nightie under your clothes or giving them a massage could make it special. But guys, if you are newly dating a woman who has been single for many Valentines Days, you have got to go out on a limb and make her feel special. Whether you frame a special picture of the two of you, buy a cute children’s book about Valentines Day and paste some of your own photos in the book or send her flowers… it is really a safe bet! A please don’t think that doing this on the first Valentines Day sets a precedent for years to come. Because I can assure you that if your relationship is strong she won’t need those guilt gifts year after year.

In my opinion…the less she nags, complains and demands the more she deserves. But this doesn’t mean that it has to happen on Valentines Day. Make her feel special every day!

                          

1. Where the Granny Panties! The one sure way you won’t let a guy in your pants is if you are wearing those terribly unsexy panties known as Granny Panties. Now in most cases you really should not even own a pair but they have a lot of value in ensuring you go home alone on that first date.
2. Although Granny Panties should do the trick why not play it extra safe and don’t shave your legs and armpits that day. And don’t try to outsmart me on this one and throw a razor in your purse. Go out feeling a little hairy and unkempt and I can assure you that going home alone is the only option.
3. Another good idea is not to change the kitty litter. Sorry ladies but new studies show that almost all of you have cats. I know there is the option to go back to his house too. But if your house is off limits because you know that it stinks of your cat than the likelihood of bringing him home decreases dramatically.

Sex is hot but I can assure you that sex with a man you are in love with, a man you trust and a man you can lower your inhibitions with is even hotter. Get through those first few dates and connect with your new love interest on a deeper level first! You will never have to do the walk of shame again! And in the long run you will feel much better in so many ways.

                          

So many people have made that popular resolution to hit the gym more and get back in shape. It is the perfect resolution for someone who is single! First of all looking and feeling your best will always make you more desirable in the dating arena. But it is also a terrific place  to find that perfect connection. I know many are thinking it sounds great in theory but how do you actually initiate a discussion with someone at the gym? I just happen to have a few great tips for you today!

1. First you have to get off the couch and go to the gym!

2. Look cute but not like you are trying to look cute. In other words don’t wear heavy make up, perfume and have your hair done perfectly. But at the same time wearing an over-sized t-shirt and grubby sweats will never work. Invest in some cute workout clothes, a good pair of sneakers and put your hair in a fun pony tail or head band. You are at the gym and really should look the part.

3. Remember that you are not the only one on the planet that is single at the gym. So many people I talk to are looking just like you. And if you happen to accidentally talk with someone who is married don’t sweat it (pun intended). Married people still like to chat and if they sense you are flirting they will likely just be flattered. Trust me this has happened to me quite a few times

4. Technology is making people less approachable more and more each day. If you are listening to your ipod use ear buds and only have one in. This way if someone walks up to speak to you, you will hear what they are saying. It is far less intimidating and awkward to approach someone that might actually hear you.

5. Pay attention to the obvious signs. If a guy jumps on the treadmill next you and all the other treadmills in the area are empty than he is hoping to have a conversation with you. Jump on the opportunity and say hello!

6. Wear a t-shirt or hat that will work as a conversation piece. I always have my clients wear one of our Date Doctor t-shirts because I get so many comments when I wear mine! Also anything with a favorite sports team will work. A great way to start a conversation is by saying “a Red Sox fan?”

7. If you are bringing a book or magazine have something eye catching. Someone on the treadmill next you just might comment on the cover of the book if it looks entertaining. This can lead you into a book discussion. Might I suggest Crush, http://www.amazon.com/Crush-Lessons-learned-through-lifetime/dp/1463586345/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325685435&sr=1-2

8. I want to share a quick story that actually happened to me. I was on the treadmill and my keys fell to the ground. They were not in the way and no one was going to trip over them so I left them. Personally I did not want to interrupt my work out. Moments later a very cute guy was walking by and he picked up my keys and handed them to me. I thanked him and joked about why I left them there. He smiled and then asked about my Date Doctor t-shirt. For me this was great for marketing as I gave the guy my business card and he ended up coming to a speed dating event. For my single friends this is a great strategy for meeting singles at the gym. Always a good idea to have your business cards handy whether you are looking for business or love!

9. Just remember attitude is everything! If you are confident and believe you will find true love in 2012 then you will certainly increase your chances of doing this.

10. And lets face it, having a great body will help a bit too. Physical attraction is important and you deserve to look and feel your best!

                          

Online dating is on the rise and so many, including myself have had great success with this. But others fear this exciting way to find love. Many imagine their potential suitor won’t look like their picture or will just lack that instant connection. I remember my many first match.com dates. I was either thinking…Oh please let this be him or oh no please don’t let this be him. Those who have tried internet dating understand exactly where I am coming from! Although I have endless tips on how to make online dating work for you I respect your decision to avoid it at all costs.

But speed dating solves a lot of these problems! Speed dating allows you to find out if the chemistry is there immediately. On internet dates you have to get all ready and look your best only to risk disappointment in the first 5 seconds. At a speed dating events you only spend 5 minutes with each date. If the chemistry is lacking the bell will soon ring and you can move onto to the next eligible date. No awkward dinner dates where you question who will pay and no fears of your date leaning in for a kiss good night. No need to tell your date you are not interested you just don’t check their name off on the match card and you are good to go.

Now I must say speed dating, internet dating and even meeting at a bar will only lead you to success in love if you are in the right frame of mind to be dating. So some quick tips that will help you out no matter which dating venue you select.

1. Keep a positive attitude! Sure you need to look good but I have seen the best looking people walk away with no matches because they were full of negativity or drama and were nothing but a total turn off.
2. Always avoid topics of the ex, sex and any negativity. This may seem obvious but I can assure you there have been both men and women that actually hit the topic of sex in that quick 5 minutes speed date.
3. Avoid interviewing. You are looking for love not a job. If you have that deal breaker list just put it aside for that first meeting and focus more and having a great time!
4. Don’t play hard to get…genuinely have enough passions and interests in life that make you less available! This is key as needy singles are a big turn off!
5. Have fun with it! If you view dating as stressful you will create experiences that are stressful. Enjoy yourself and don’t give up! It only takes one and the more you are trying new things the more likely you will find them!

                          

What do you really want them to do? Please don’t respond to the question by saying that they should just love you for you. This is ridiculous and a complete cop out! If your significant other is turned off then this is a chemistry thing. And chemistry is real. We can’t control the things that turn us on and off no matter how hard we try!

There are two options for how your loved one can deal with this! First is that hey could ignore it. But remember ignoring it just means they don’t share it with you. It does not mean that they aren’t thinking it, aren’t feeling turned off or even disgusted. But they just might choose to ignore it as they fear a dramatic, emotional reaction from you. And let me tell you there is nothing less attractive than a dramatic, emotional outburst!

Another option would be to give them permission to tell you. Now this doesn’t mean that you have a serious talk and tell them that you want them to share their honest opinions with you. They likely will think it is a set up and will still remain silent. This begins by you asking them their opinions of things and even allowing them to offer constructive criticism. It might be like this…

You-Hey I am thinking this skirt makes my butt look to big, I have another option so be honest.
Him-Actually honey, I think it was the pint of ice cream you had for dessert last night that makes your butt look big.

Now here is your chance to laugh and have fun with it! Truth is if you think it makes your butt look fat than you are probably right. So why not want the honestly? Now if you laugh and say “ok the other skirt it is”, he will learn that you are open to his honesty. If you storm away calling him a jerk then you will never get another honest answer again.

I am in a relationship where my husband Erik can offer honest feedback on almost anything and I can roll with it! In fact I stole the pint of ice cream joke from him. Just a few quick rules he needs to stick to and I will always be open to it!
1. Never tell me you don’t like my hair or outfit after we have arrived to the party. Be sure to look at me before we leave the house and offer the feedback while I still have chance to change things.
2. Never give me the negative feedback when other people are around. It just looks so disrespectful and would be embarrassing for everyone present.
3. Never offer the feedback during my days of PMS. Ok I am kidding on that one. It is not your job to track my emotional rollercoaster just forgive me if I should become a bit more dramatic during those few days!

To sum this whole thing up remember that laughter will bring your relationship closer and drama will pull it apart. You decide how you want things to go!

                          

Here is my list! Feel free to add yours in the comments!

Top 10 things to turn your date off in a restaurant! 

1. Guys take the initiative on the first date to pick the restaurant! You can ask what food we prefer but don’t show up and say “where do you want to go?” Quite simply we will just want to go back home.
2. When you get to the restaurant please walk up to the hostess to request a table for two. And to the ladies that claim to be such strong independent women…just sit back and let him handle getting the table. You don’t want to come across too independent as it is a turn off. I don’t make the rules but it is what it is!
3. Taking your gum out of your mouth and setting it on your dinner plate is disgusting. And then putting it back in at the end of the meal makes it even worse! Totally unacceptable! Seriously this happened to me.
4. If you are going to a nice restaurant know the appropriate etiquette! I went on a date with a match.com guy and we ordered a bottle of wine. The waitress was showing him the label and he didn’t have a clue. He pulled the bottle from her hand and poured it himself. Very embarrassing for all of us.
5. Guys let your date order first. I once went on a date and the guy was so eager to get his order in that he didn’t even realize the waiter was completely looking at me and ready to take my order first when he cut in.
6. Don’t bring flowers to the restaurant. Yes we love to get flowers but it is simply embarrassing to have a big floral arrangement on the table. Especially if the table is small and it becomes a hazard to see one another.
7. Sometimes your meal gets screwed up but please don’t blame the waitress or waiter. Just relax and know that your food will come. Any unnecessary drama or rudeness will just turn your date off completely.
8. Name droppers are annoying. If you know the chef or the owner of the restaurant that is fine. But if you feel this burning desire to tell the waitress that you know them than go ahead. But just know that we aren’t impressed and kind of think you just might be trying to show off.
9. There is absolutely no reason to check your phone, text or respond to emails during the 60 minutes you are dining. Shut the thing off!  I know some of you have kids but I trust that if you are out on a date you have left your kids in good hands! And if an emergency should happen I think they will call 911 first! If you are that panicked about it then make a trip to the bathroom. You can check your phone at that time.
10. Again I don’t make the rules here but if you don’t offer to pay for that first dinner date then I can guarantee you she is getting the message loud and clear that you are not interested. This is why I strongly suggest making the first date a quick coffee or ice cream date. You can avoid dropping $60 on a girl that is not interested in anything more than a meal. After that first quick date you will know if the chemistry is there. And if she is worth it…take her to dinner and offer to pay!

                          

It is a great time to be single! I know those of you who feel like you have been single forever just want to scream at me right now. But what I am saying is that there are so many terrific ways to meet singles these days. You no longer have to rely on your parents to find you a match, hang out at crowded bars or experience painful blind dates.

Two very popular ways to find that special person are internet dating and speed dating. I am often asked, “which one is better?” They are both terrific ways to meet people! In fact, I met my husband on match.com 10 years ago! Today 1 out of every 5 couples meet online and that number is only going to get bigger.

If you are one of the many people trying to decide which one will work best for you, I can help you! My quick response is to do both. If you are truly committed to finding love then you should be in as many places as possible to do just that.

Here is the difference in a nutshell!

Internet Dating-Here is where you can find the answers to that whole big deal breaker list that you have in your head. You know those important questions like, does he want kids, does she smoke, what does he do for work and does she have a pulse. You have the luxury of looking at a few photographs too. Hopefully these include recent candid shots of the person you are about to date. On occasion for some ridiculous reason they will include pictures of their car, dog, boat, sunset, etc… What you don’t get to find out is that initial and instant chemistry! We all know how great that instant chemistry feels and can assess it in just seconds of meeting someone in person.

Speed Dating-The great thing about speed dating is that you can assess that chemistry instantly without wasting time emailing back and forth. Sure those deal breakers are important but if that initial chemistry is lacking then it doesn’t matter if they comply or not with your deal breaker check list. I encourage my speed daters to avoid those deal breaker questions in that five minute speed date. Just use that time to see if you have a mutual connection. And if so, you just check yes next to their name on the match card.  If the desire is mutual you will each get an email with the contact information of your match and the interrogation can start at that point.

One last tip! If you are a negative person that is always convincing yourself that you will never find true love then you will create just that. Think positive about finding that special someone and I can guarantee you that your chances of finding them will increase tremendously. Now stop reading these blogs and go join match.com or register for a speed dating event at www.got5minutes.com.

                          

I don’t have all of the answers and still can’t wrap my mind around how this comes to be. But I have my thoughts on this subject. Not that these ideas could have solved or prevented this but I think they are worth listening to.

I personally have two beautiful boys. One is 12 years old and the other just four. How cute is it that they both have crushes on a girl with the same name? It is really not that cute at all. I have heard people ask my youngest “do you have a girlfriend?” Now I know they are just being silly with my little boy but I really think it all starts here.

As parents and adults we need to stop putting so much emphasis on our children dating and having crushes. We are encouraging their young hearts to get attached when they aren’t mature enough to handle the emotions. I have some young facebook friends (middle and high school kids) and I see their statuses change from single to in a relationship in just hours. They post messages on each other’s wall saying things like “I love you” and song lyrics that they don’t even understand. “Tell me that I’m special even when I know I’m not” were some recent lyrics I saw on a facebook wall. This is from a song by The Plain White T’s that sends a chill through my spine. They feel they are so special and important because they are in some form of a relationship. And then one day it ends and these kids are dealing with emotions of rejection that their immature minds can’t manage.

Let’s stop asking our kids about their crushes and start asking about sports, hobbies, friends and school. Let’s stop encouraging them to fall in love when they are too young. Because when that loves goes away they will lack the ability to cope. Encourage them to find hobbies and interests that make them feel special. And down the road when they are more mature to fall in love they will be able to handle the rejection because they will continue to have other wonderful things in their lives.

Another thought on this subject…Our children need to learn how to lose and experience the pain that goes along with it. I remember watching my son play baseball for many years. There were kids that got up to bat and simply never swung the bat. Odds are they would get a bad pitch and the parents would yell “good eye, good eye”. This is not true. The kid didn’t not have a good eye, he never ever swings the bat. Why is it so painful to tell our children the truth and let them experience the pain that comes with life? Tell him he doesn’t practice enough and he is letting the team down. Let them feel defeat and learn how to react and manage it. Otherwise we protect them for so long and one day they lose their girlfriend and they can’t handle the pain. They never learned the coping skills to get through heart ache or rejection.

These are not meant to be excuses for what happened in any way. There is no excuse for such a thing. I am just trying to understand how this could possibly happen! And maybe begin to prevent this from happening again.

My last message is to anyone in a relationship that claims they are in love. According to dictionary.com love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. If this is not how it feels you are not in love! When someone calls you a slut, bitch, bastard they are not expressing love. When someone hurts you physically or emotionally they are not loving you. It is not cute and endearing to be jealous, it is in fact a serious red flag. I cringe when I see these young folks post things on their facebook walls like “love hurts” or “I will never give up on us”. Love by definition does not hurt! If it is not tender and passionate don’t call it love. If it is dangerous and scary get help! There is a new and free iphone app called td411. It is for teens and primarily addresses dating violence. It is free and can be hidden. Also the hotline number for CT is 888-774-2900.

Love is how Teresa and Jose feel about their beautiful daughter Suzete. Love is how Danny feels about his sister that was taken from him way too soon. Love is affectionate and not painful. Please stop accepting anything less in your relationships. Let’s learn from this horrific experience and do our best to stop it from ever happening again. Take care of yourselves, your friends and your children. And for now I will take care of my dear friend Teresa!

                          

Here is a little activity that might help you or “your friend” make that tough decision.

Take a moment to imagine spending the rest of your life with this person as is. Imagine every holiday, and vacation includes this person with the traits that you find undesirable. Depending on where you are in life imagine this person co-parenting children and engaging in school events. Think about what you are feeling. Does dread come to mind? Are you thinking oh please this would be hell? Or are you thinking that it would be perfect and it makes you very happy? Be honest with yourself!

After a few minutes of this activity it is time to replace these thoughts with imagining what it would be like to never be with this person again. You can still have all of the wonderful things in your life but deduct the annoying qualities that this person adds. Perhaps you are disrespected, ignored, lied to. Whatever it is that keeps you going back and forth are the things you need to imagine living without. Do you feel relief, like a weight was taken off of your shoulders? I understand fear might initially accompany the image but be sure you know what that fear is. Is it losing this person or simply get through the whole break up process?

People stay in unhappy relationships all of the time and usually for all the wrong reasons. It can be scary to imagine being alone. Many are afraid no one else will ever love them. But if you are able to get this one person to be with you why convince yourself that you couldn’t find another. Perhaps you could find someone who lacks the qualities that continually disappoint you.

The truth is that you will never know until you face your fears of being alone and begin to accept things in your life that make you happy. When you are in a healthy relationship you never question whether or not they are the one. You are not repeating the “should I stay or should I go” question in your head over and over again. Sure you might argue from time to time and think for short intervals that you can’t stand the person. That is normal. But it is really time to take a look at your relationship when you are feeling this way even when you are not arguing.

I speak from experience. Many have read my book Crush, http://www.amazon.com/Crush-Lessons-learned-through-lifetime/dp/1463586345/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319906384&sr=1-1. I stayed in multiple relationships because of so many fears. Some I eventually walked away from and others left me feeling rejected. I am one of the fortunate ones that was able to find that guy that only annoys me when we are arguing. If you have not found it then don’t miss an opportunity. I understand it is hard to pick up and walk away. But please just start by admitting that your plan is to go. As I always say “never settle”.

                          

But for some reason it never plays out quite like this. I begin getting defensive. I feel as if he is trying to say that I am not a good enough wife and should have already made such a delicious meal. I do cook but it is rare that I pull open a recipe book like he does. I am great with Mexican night, throwing some burgers on the grill and easy chicken and rice dishes. My meals are edible and no one ever complains.

But what the heck is wrong with me that these feelings of anger and inadequacy consume me when Erik takes over the kitchen. He never makes comments offending me and genuinely wants to enjoy this little hobby from time to time. He also happens to make some of the best food we have ever eaten!

Well it was time to dig a little deeper and figure out what was happening.  You see so often couples end up in ridiculous fights with endless drama. They forget why they are even mad and don’t understand what triggered them to begin with.

I could have pretended he was trying to offend me and let my own issues carry out one of those unhealthy and miserable disagreements. But I have figured it all out. I have some ridiculous belief that stems way back to my childhood about not being good enough. I don’t blame anyone for instilling this belief in me as we are all victims of our own upbringing. But regardless this message has stayed with me my entire life. In some ways it has served me well as it pushed me to grow my business, write a book and raise an amazing family. But in others ways it has led to conflict.  Like when Erik wants to prepare an evening meal.

It is never too late to change the beliefs that we hold onto. From now on when Erik begins to bang those pots and pans I just need to remind myself that I am good enough! It may take lots of reminders in the beginning but I think I have this one under control.

So next time you end up in an argument with someone you are in a relationship with you just need to check in with yourself. Do any of the emotions you are feeling come from a negative belief that was instilled in you as a child? This might be an excellent opportunity to learn a little more about yourself and grow from the experience.

Now don’t get me wrong, Erik isn’t always right! But being able to admit when you are wrong can really do wonders for your relationship! So Erik… I was wrong and please could you make dinner tonight, I really don’t feeling like eating Mexican again!